There are some products that you need to buy for a pet: Food, bowls, collars, toys, maybe even a litter box. These are essential items you’ll need to fight the never ending battle for your pet’s attention and affection.
But, then there are the items that go beyond necessity. The ones that make humanities’ development into the cast of idiocracy seem all but inevitable. These are those products
15. The Dogone Doggy Thong
The thong is made of a charcoal cloth that is designed to neutralize any of your dog’s anally-emitted odors.
In other words, it’s a magical diaper that captures dog farts and transforms them into non-hazardous air again. One thing that is not for certain is whether or not it comes packaged with a doggy tramp-stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity for making out with drunken frat boys.
14. Dog Sunglasses
We thought the same thing about people who put sunglasses on their dogs for photos.
If you’re thinking that about Doggles sunglasses for dogs at least consider that they are designed specifically to fit your pooch’s mug, making them instantly more comfortable, not to mention more functional than yours since they actually do protect their eyes from UV rays.
Besides, how else is Spot supposed to meet bitches if he doesn’t look cool?
13. Pawlish Nail Polish for Pets
And while their website makes no mention of using Pawlish on your cat, we’re going to go out on a limb and say it’s not a good idea. Unless maybe they are declawed… in which case you can’t do it anyway.
In any case, nail polish for pets is a pretty brutal way to humiliate your dog. Not only is it completely unnatural, it’s also unhygienic and can potentially poison your canine.
12. Puppoose Dog Sling Carrier
Carrying your dog in a purse is so last year anyway, and no one can see that much of your cute little chihuahua.
But the Puppoose really shows him off what a lovely pup you have.
This is really great news for all you puppy lovers who simply can’t help sharing your little bundle of joy with the world.
Choose from 4 different beautiful crocheted designs. We assume you need 1 to match each of your 4 dogs, which all compliment different outfits.
11. Dog Bicycle Trailers
The Pet Bicycle Trailer lets you ride around town while your pup takes in the scenery. While you are at it, you should buy your dog a car, since dogs hate walking and running.
Then again, if your dog has some medical problem which prevents him from walking on his own, but he loves to go outside, this product is for you!
10. Boots For Dogs
Doggie flip flops? Or even worse, barefoot? Not for our little Princess, she only wears genuine suede boots for dogs. Maybe teach her some old Elvis classics as well?
There are numerous videos on the internet in which dogs completely lose their minds when they are forced to wear shoes. And it’s not the good kind of crazy, we can tell you that.
9. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys
Your dog can not be blamed for the creation of such an aggressively pompous line of cutesy-wootsey play things, as they obviously resemble nothing an actual dog would ever play with.
No, only the arrogant upper echelon of the pet owning world could devise a toy line that forces us – against our will -to call an otherwise lovable creature a fucking douche bag.
Above we have – and don’t look too close for you may get a shot of douche juice to the eye – the “iBone”, “iPaw”, the “Pawda hand bag” and finally the “Arfmerican Barxpress Card.”
8. Dog Dresses
But what about your pet? Seeing as they can’t speak, it’s your responsibility to show the world just what your pet thinks about the underprivileged by forcing them to wear a $3,000 crystal-studded dress. How appropriate.
If a dog wearing this dress were given the power of speech, we would be audience to some of the truest words ever spoken, “You know I say ‘Hello’ by sniffing buttholes, right?” It’s a dog’s life, after all.
7. Happy Muzzle
It has the bonus effect of building up in your dog a silent, boiling rage at being made to look like a douchebag in front of other dogs.
See that look in his eyes up there? That means, “You’ve got to take this thing off sometime. And you better hope you’re wearing a bite-proof cup when you do.” You wouldn’t want to be there when that happens.
6. Designer Dog Clothing
An old child’s sweater or a cut up tee shirt might work wonders for your pet, but some people prefer their animal dress in style.
Designer dog clothing has spawned dog pajamas, dog jackets made from fur and leather, and even dog shoes.
A pampered pup might love its Ed Hardy dog tee, but that’ll be a very muddy sixty bucks when the pooch is done with it.
5. Pet Jewelry
The dog does not need a Tiffany necklace, nor does it know what Tiffany is. Solid gold ID tags, golf caps and leather hats, and scarves are also hot items.
The owners simply don’t have enough of their own bodies, so they need to their pets as an additional space for jewelry. Unless you use money instead of toilet paper, avoid this kind of thing in a five-mile radius!
4. Unisex Pet Perfume
It’s a pretty simple concept, but those with some extra money to blow and an interest in all things stupid might opt for Sexy Beast, the unisex pet perfume.
The scent is described as “A unisex blend of bergamot and vanilla-infused musk combined with natural patchouli, mandarin and nutmeg oils.”
It’s apparently crafted specifically for the dog’s sensitive nose, which probably cares more about the scent of old cheese and dog bones than mandarin and nutmeg oils.
3. Elaborate Pet Funerals
A “pet funeral” usually implies an old shoe box or duffel bag, the animal’s favorite toy and a ditch in the backyard.
However, there are always those willing to take it to the next level — like fully lined pet coffins ranging from a couple hundred to a couple thousand dollars.
A great way to prolong the grief and mourning that comes after the loss of a pet is to blow loads of money on an extravagant service instead of doing something useful with it, like donating to an animal charity.
2. Doggie Ice Cream
The Frosty Paws website encourages buyers to have a ‘paw-try’, a practice adopted by some puppy crazed people who might spend hundreds of dollars on themed festivities.
The website even has a section for pictures of said parties, featuring dogs in party hats sitting obediently nearby the box of dog ice cream that they gaze upon in longing.
Also, you should never feed your dog any sweets because it is plain dangerous.
1. Bubble Gum for Dogs
It’s funny watching the dog chase and snap at bubbles, but it always makes you think, “Gee, that can’t taste very good.”
Clearly, you weren’t the only one thinking that since there’s Bubble Buddy, scented bubbles specifically for dogs.
The bubble gum for dogs comes in various different flavors like bacon, peanut butter and Bar-B-Q chicken bubbles.
A perfect way to make sure your dog gets enough exercise, even while you sit around and lounge in your lawn chair!